I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
