WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
