my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Randomize
