That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
