It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
