that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
