Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
