I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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