my shit smells like andre
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
