you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
