whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
