I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
