I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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