Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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