Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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