Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
