I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
