i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
