the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
