I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
