I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize