I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
