I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize