I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize