his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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