i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
