Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
