Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I think I just sharted jello shots
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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