guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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