what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
