Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
