last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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