when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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