Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
