I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
