i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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