First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You took a bar mat shot.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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