hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
