I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
