i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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