You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
