I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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