Cold hands, warm shart.
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
