Apparently you make a good broom.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The best revenge is premature balding
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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