oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Randomize
