found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize