If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
