Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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