He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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