someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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