why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
