Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I will be naked everywhere
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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