I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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