My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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