Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
